Eddie Stobart is ruining cocktail bars

The sun is shining, the birds a cheeping and the baking tarmac is flowing under your wheels like a river as you power your way along the motorway, thundering along the middle lane as if Halfordsus, god of all things motoring himself, has granted you such pleasant means of travel. Life is good, speed it good, almost nothing could dampen your spirits on such a glorious occasion.

UNTIL all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a giant Eddie Stobart lorry pulls out into the middle lane which bottlenecks all the traffic. As a result you are forced to apply the breaks and wait for a space to pull out into the fast lane. As your speed reduces, your proud sense of masculinity/womanhood evaporates and diminishes, your flow interrupted, you soul crushed as you slow down to 60.

Let us analyse this situation.

Lorries can travel 60 mph. Cars can travel faster. Yet for some reason, the world of truckers were not in fact blessed with intelligence enough to realize this. Their rational would appear to be “The chap in front is doing 59mph… Let’s have him”. For the hundreds of motorists behind this sub-70 IQ individual, there is that one question. Why?

How does this relate to cocktails? I shall explain all.

Working behind a cocktail bar, is like a motorway. Action and speedy maneuvering. All is going well, drinks are flowing, the heavens are raining glee upon us all and everyone is having a great time. Until the ‘Eddie Stobart’ of the drinking world arrives at the bar. People are queuing for cocktails, wishing only to carry on their flavoursome night at a steady pace.

“7 pints of lager, vodka and coke and a do you do crisps?”

The sound of 25 people sighing all at once with crushing disappointment and the unanimous thought of “god this is going to take ages”

Let me tell you, you can’t flare a pint.

This person is obviously designed for the slow lane of society, ‘Eddie Stobart’ should remain at Wetherspoons and allow the rest of us fast lane fanatics to drink our multi-ingredient beverages at the pace we like them.

The sad truth is that this problem will always remain, and there is nothing we can do about it but grumble and complain.

SO, in light of such depressing realizations I feel it’s time for my favourite Bourbon based cocktail.

A simple Dirty Jack

25ml – Jack Daniels
25ml – Disaronno
Half a squeezed lime
Shakey Shake.
Topped with Cola
Served in a man glass
Garnished with nothing but a firm grip and a world weary sign.

Simple. Masculine yet sweet.



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Make me a cocktail
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